We got three minutes the reactor's gonna blow, we're never gonna make it!
You've got to get out of here!
Save yourself!
No! I won't leave you!
Don't worry about me,
I'm a robot!
I'm just a machine!!
No you're not! Not to me!
Oh my God.
What?
I am extremely talented!
Yeah, you're great!
Okay, let's take it from...
No, I mean I was really acting my ass off.
Yeah, I thought I was pretty good too.
Oh yeah, you're solid. Yeah, you're just no me.
Y'know what? I think that's enough for now. Yeah.
I don't want to be over rehearsed.
Fine!
I'll do it without you!
I don't need you or anybody else!
I'm gonna make it on my own!
You'll see!! You'll all see!!
So uh, what's this thing you're auditioning for?
Oh, it's a new TV show. Yeah.
I'm up for the part of Mac Macaveli or "Mac."
Yeah, I'm a detective and I solve crimes with the help of my robot partner.
He's a, he's a Computerized Humanoid Electronically Enhanced Secret Enforcer
or-or "C.H.E.E.S.E."
So Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
That's the title! Yeah!
Y'know they really lucked out that the initials spell cheese.
That is lucky.
Huh? Wait so Joey if you get this, you're gonna be like the star of your own TV show!
I mean you'll be like the Big Cheese! Or the Big Mac?
Hey! You love those!
Well, don't get your hopes up, because probably not gonna happen.
Now-now, why would you say that Joseph?
I mean come on you guys! My own TV show?
I just don't know if I'm good enough.
I am.
Joey, what are you talking about? You're a terrific actor.
You really think so?
Ugh, how can you even ask that question?!
Whoa, she's pretty.
Yeah, and oh she's really nice too.
She taught me all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.
- I'm sorry, what? - What? - Excuse me?
It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one.
So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense,
you know, like this.
Oh, ok.
There's my scene, there's my scene.
"Mrs. Wallace,
I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon.
Your sister is suffering from a..."
Vell, Eva, we've done some excellent vork here,
and I vould have to say,
your pwoblem is qviiite clear.
All you want is a dingle, What you envy's a schwang,
A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang...
I play Al Pacino's butt.
All right?
He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt.
Oh my God.
C'mon, you guys.
This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big!
Oh no, it's terrific,
it's- it's- y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling,
you've finally been able to crack your way into show business.
Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care!
This is a big break for me!
- You're right, you're right, it is. - Yes.
So you gonna invite us all to the big opening?
All right well, I'm outta here. Wish me luck.
Gooood luck! Gooood luck! We all wish you good luuuuuuuuck!!!
Yeah, whatever.
It's your turn.
Oh, are we playing this?!
- Hey. - Hey! How'd the audition go?
Terrible!
I messed up every line! I shouldn't even be an actor!
Wait a minute, are you doing that thing where you pretend it didn't go well but it really did go well?
Yeah, did I fool ya?
Totally!
So it did go well.
Oh, it went amazingly well!
- Great! - Oh that's great!
- Yeah-yeah, it's down to me and two other guys. - Oh my God! -Wow!
And I know both of them, they're really good.
One of them is the guy from those allergy commercials who's always getting chased by those big flowers...
Oh, I love that guy!
Oh-oh, what are you doing?
What am I doing?
I'm just so nervous! Y'know? The callback isn't until tomorrow at five.
I feel like my head is going to explode!
Well, it is overdue.
Look, don't worry. Okay? You're gonna be fine.
There's just so much pressure. I mean no offense,
but what you guys do is very different. I don't know if you'd understand.
Yeah, none of us have to deal with pressure at our jobs.
Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!
Well I'm tearing the lettuce.
Uh-huh. Is it dirty?
Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it.
Don't, I like it dirty.
That's your call.
So, uh, what are you going to do next?
Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatoes.
Are they, uh, firm?
They'r alright.
You sure they haven't gone bad? You're sure they're not very, very bad?
No really, they're OK.
You gonna slice them up real nice?
Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne.
Aaaahhhhhhh.
I'm outta here.
Monica, I'm quitting!
I just helped an 81 year old woman put on a thong and she didn't even buy it!
I'm telling you I'm quitting! That's it! I'm talking to my boss right now!
Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am!
Okay bye, call me when you get this message.
Well, what happened?
Well, he came in for a massage and everything was fine until...
- Ohhhhhh! - Oh my God!
And all of the sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore.
Was it...
Oh, Boy Scouts could've camped under it!
You ate my sandwich?
It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.
Oh-oh really?
Now-now calm down.
Come look in my office, some of it my still be in the trash.
What?
Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it away.
You-you-you-you threw my sandwich away!
MY SANDWICH?!!! MY SANDWICH?!!!
I want this part so much! Y'know?
If I don't get this part
I'm never gonna eat Macaroni and Cheese again!?
No, I didn't say that! That's a lie.
Oh come on guys, it's not like I moved to Europe!
I just moved across the hall!
And we would have you over all the time
if it weren't for Monica's allergies.
You're right, I could never lie to you.
She hates you.
Should I get that?
Hello?
Uh no, Joey's not here right now. Can I take a message?
Yeah, okay so the audition has been moved from 5:00 to 2:30?
Okay great. Bye.
Aren't you dressed yet?
Am I naked again?!
We're supposed to meet my parents in 15 minutes.
Yeah okay, I was just talking to the guys. Just look at them I mean,
is it okay if they come visit?
Wh?! What about my allergies?!
Oh right, your allergies.
All her, she hates you.
Yes!! Ha-ha!! All right!
Hey! How cool would it be if you could watch like a real life-sized version of this? Huh?
I mean how crazy would that be?
As crazy as soccer?
Hello?
What are you talking about? The audition's not 'til 5:00!
Well, nobody told me!
Who'd you talk to?
Never mind!
You mean you didn't get it from this?
The allergy guy got the part! Thanks!
Well, maybe we can fix it y'know? Maybe we can send him some-some big-big flowers and scare him!
How could you do this to me Chandler?!
This part could've turned my whole career around!
I messed up. Okay? I'm sorry, I really messed up.
Hey, you don't even live here anymore!
What are you doing answering my phone? I have my machine!
Which I bought for ya.
Taught ya how to use it.
You thought it was a copier.
Look, if there was anything I could do, I would do it. Okay?
But everybody's allowed one mistake, right?
You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no,
he has to get me the woman repeller!
The eyesore from the Liberace house of crap!
It's not that bad.
Oh, yeah, easy for you to say,
you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection.
Chandler, Chandler.
I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that... Hi!
when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to another and...
And what?!
Did you sleep with her?!
No! No! No! I just kissed her.
What?!! That's even worse!!
How is that worse?!
I don't know! But it's the same!
You're right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line.
Over the line?! You-you're-you're so far past the line, that you-you can't even see the line!
The line is a dot to you!
Look, I'm not saying that you should magically forgive me!
But you're not perfect! You've made some errors in judgment too!
Name one!
What happened?!!
Awww, man! He promised he wouldn't take the chairs!!
What the hell happened?!! How were you locked in?!! And where the hell is all of our stuff?!!
Well, this guy came by to look at the unit and-and he said he didn't think big enough to fit a grown man!
So--You got in voluntarily?!
I was tryin' to make a sale!! Oh, man,
if I ever run into that guy again, do you know what I'm gonna do?
BEND OVER?!!!
There's Lorrie
Ok, now, remember, no trading.
You get the pretty one, I get the mess.
- Hi, Joey. - Hey.
Well well, look what you brought.
...And what did you bring?
She's checking the coats.
Joey,
I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands.
Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.
Janice?
Janice?!
Oh... my... God.
Joey's tailor...took advantage of me.
What?
No way! I've been going to the guy for 12 years.
Oh come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite...
What?
Cupping.
That's how they do pants!
Ross, will you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?
Yes, yes it is.
In prison!
I said name one!
I can't believe I did this! What an idiot!
Oh, stop beating yourself up!
People make mistakes! These things happen!
There aren't any message you've forgotten to give me are there?
Apparently you're not very good at it! I...
Do you think he'll ever forgive me?
Of course he will! But Chandler the most important thing is you forgive yourself!
Y'know what? I-I kinda have.
Already?
That's pretty bad what you did.
Y'know what? He will forgive you.
And I like to bring a pad with me when I go answer the phone just in case... Okay...
You didn't see how mad he was, y'know?
I'm sure he will forgive you. Look,
we have all been there! Y'know,
you fight, you make up, it's just the way it works.
It took two people to break up this relationship!!
Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!!
I didn't know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?!
I didn't finish the whole letter!
What?!!
I fell asleep!
You fell asleep?!
It was 5:30 in the morning,
and you had rambled on for 18 pages.
Front and back!!
Oh-oh-oh, and by the way,
Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means 'you are,' Y-O-U-R means 'your!'
Y'know I can't believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!!
FINE BY ME!!
And hey! Just so you know, it's not that common!
It doesn't happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!
I KNEW IT!!!!
You had no right to go out with him.
- That is the most ridiculous... - You sold me out.
- I did not sell you out. - Yes you did.
- You absolutely sold me... - Would you let me talk.
Did you just flick me?
OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- Ow. That hurt
Oh! All right. Now, let's not do this!
Happy thoughts!
OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.
Ow! Ow! Ow! - I know! I know! I know!
Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.
- Fine! - Fine!
There we go.
You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is.
You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.
Oh my God!
Look at me! I'm Chandler!
Could I be wearing any more clothes?
Maybe if I wasn't going commando...
Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah,
I better not do any, I don't know, lunges.
Joey?
Got you a Joey Special, two pizzas!
Joe?
Hello?
Damn it!
Hello?
No, Joey's not here right now, but I can take a message I think.
He's still got a chance for the part?! Oh, that's great news!
Well no obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog.
Oh well, that's great. I will give Joey the message. Thank you! Yes!
Okay, Mac audition at 2:00.
Allergy actor attacked.
By dog not flowers.
Hey!
Please tell me you got the message!
What message?
The actor playing Mac couldn't do it, they needed to see you at 2 o'clock.
What?!
It's 6 o'clock!
Du-du-I wrote it, I wrote it on the board! I wrote it on the board,
then I went all over New York City looking for ya!
I went to Ross's! I went to the coffeehouse! I went to any place that they made sandwiches!
I can't believe this Chandler!
Sorry! I-I-I don't know what to say.
Well you-you-you-you might say
congratulations!
I saw the board! I went to the audition! I got the part!!
Is that supposed to be funny! I was really worried over here!
Oh, well I'm uh...
Y'know, sometimes that fake out thing is just mean!
Oh wow! Okay man, I'm sorry. I did not mean to make you feel bad.
Well that's good.
Because you didn't! And I'm incredibly happy for ya!!
That's mean!
You really had me going there!
- Oh, we could do this all day. - Yeah, you're right.
Okay look, listen, let's talk about what a huge star I'm gonna be!
You are gonna be a huge star!
- I'm gonna hug ya! - You hug me! - All right!
Hey, do we do this too much?
I think so.
- Yeah, get off me. - Yeah, get off.
Come on C.H.E.E.S.E.,
I'm not leaving without you!
Try routing your backup source through your primary CPU.
I can't! My circuits are fried! They're fried I tell you!!
Wow!
Well then I'll just have to carry you.
That'll be a neat trick, when you're, when you're dead!
Ross, you don't have to yell.
There was just an explosion, okay?
My hearing would be impaired.
I thought you were excellent!
In fact for a minute there I was like, "Ooh, where'd Ross go?"
Thank you!
And I have to say that first scene when you meet Mac...
Yeah?
Oh my God. I mean...
Y'know what? I think that's enough for today. Thanks for your help!
He's holding us back.
Totally.